One of the most touching things about this blog is how many times my referral log shows a search for: how to be a better person (the title of an old post). How do you become a better person? How do you become that person inside your head and your heart, the one you know exists beneath the fear and the inertia and the laziness and the dreariness. The brave person, the strong person, the loving one? I have to admit, I am going through a little, well, crisis is too strong a word. A reappraisal maybe. A reappraisal of the choices that I have made and am making. All day I look through my little microscope, and see colors and shapes and textures. Yes, cancer, no cancer. Yes disease, no disease. My MS waxes and wanes. Today I feel weak. Maybe it is the cold. Maybe it is the disease itself. Maybe it is the death of people I have known, suddenly and unexpectedly. The thing is, I know the answer. And it is not magic. Just the slow daily accumulation of kind acts, responsible acts, little bits of joy. And therein lies the problem. It did not used to be so hard to feel joy. Odd, I just came back from vacation a month or so ago, completely refreshed. And it lasted about a day after I got back. Where did the joy go? And as soon as I write that I feel it is wrong, this is the disgruntlement of affluence and it is self-indulgent.
I know what my mother would say. She would say: wash your face, make a cup of tea, go to the gym and when you come back, say a little prayer. Pray. Smart woman. Lovely woman. How did I get so lucky?
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